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Move Over Malaysian Air, Here’s CNN’s Next Big Headline

Wolf Blitzer, CNN ((Photo by Angela Weiss/Getty Images)

While CNN’s non-stop coverage of the Malaysian Airlines Flight 370 tragedy has succeeded in high ratings, it has also resulted in heavy criticism over exploitation.

Pollster John Zogby, in a recent interview on WIBX’s First News with Keeler in the Morning called the coverage disgraceful. Comedian Bill Maher Tweeted recently, “Ted Turner wishes he was dead so he could roll over in his grave.”  Meanwhile, the Daily Show’s Jon Stewart was back to the show recently and lambasted the cable news network, for their excessive coverage that includes, in his words,  “giant floor maps, big fake airplanes, little fake airplanes, holographic airplanes…no airplane detail left unspoken.”

Yes, the whole thing seems ridiculous; but, the coverage has been tremendously positive for CNN when it comes to ratings.  CNN has doubled their Nielson numbers in prime time and bigger numbers are all across the board throughout the day.  The obvious negative however is, not the exploitation of the victims and their families; but, ‘how will the network be able to keep growing viewers?’

What’s the Next Big Story?

We think we have the perfect ideas for a CNN that is willing to do whatever it takes to get ratings.  Here are three potential mega-stories CNN can manufacture that are sure to keep the ratings burst booming.

 #3- The Westboro Baptist Preacher, Fred Phelps- live from Hell

Phelps is the gay hating minister who started a church that denounced gays and those who were tolerant of their lifestyle.  He even inspired an entire congregation to picket military funerals to protest America’s tolerance of gay issues.  Last week, Phelps died at the age of 84 and CNN can make this one into a real mega story.

The concept: CNN, with the help of a psychic medium, will travel to hell to interview the former anti-gay minister.  They’ll give him the funeral he chose not to have, interview family members who died before him and even attempt to recreate the ‘Pearly Gates’ on set to look at all possible angles. Did Phelps go to hell or heaven?  What if God was really the "We think we have the perfect ideas for a CNN that is willing to do whatever it takes to get ratings.  Here are three potential mega-stories CNN can manufacture that are sure to keep the ratings burst booming."enabler?  Is it possible, Phelps was actually gay, himself? If so, who was his lover?  Only Wolf Blitzer can get to the bottom of this one, when they actually build a life-size hologram of Phelps to interview him live on air, going directly to the source.

#2-   Live From The Eye of a Hurricane That Could Hit New Orleans this August

This is brand new territory.  CNN will begin covering stories before they happen, using brand new Apple software called Pre-Creation 1.0.

The story: CNN will actually pre-create (that’s a future version of the word re-create) this Hurricane which could strike the gulf coast sometime in August of this coming summer.  While there’s absolutely no evidence of this hurricane because it hasn’t even started to develop, CNN will cover the flooding, the evacuation and the levies that won’t be able to withstand the power of nature’s potential mid-summer blast.  How will President Obama handle the recovery efforts?  There’s no need to wonder, because CNN’s new pre-creation software will actually take you months into the future to see how this potential tragedy will finally define this President’s 2nd term.

#1-   Kim Jong Un – His First Decade at the Helm

The concept: Kim is ratings gold and so is Dennis Rodman, so CNN will soon begin wall-to-wall coverage of Kim Jong Un’s next 3,650 days as the leader of North Korea.  This works out to just under 10 full years of 24/7 coverage.  It will be non-stop manufactured news of the ’20-something commie leader’ and every move he makes. Note: due to state-run media restrictions, very little video and news coverage will be available of Kim Jong Un, therefore, CNN will use holographs of Un, models of his palace and stock footage of Dennis Rodman to maximize their coverage.  They’ll answer every possible question, like, ‘Will he start war with the South Koreans”  ”Will he get that nuclear warhead,” and why does he wear a chef’s coat everywhere he goes?” 

 Check out Jon Stewarts rant from the other night:

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