Oneonta, New York Council Agrees On Joggers Slowing Down

If you jog through city parks in Oneonta you're going to need to slow down, and the reason why might surprise you.

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In a stunning decision, the Oneonta council unanimously agreed to imposing a speed limit on folks that take runs through Wilber and Neahwa parks for the foreseeable future. The maximum speed the decision puts forth is a maximum of six miles per hour.

Council member Ron Padavona spearheaded the initiative. He claims that running at speeds greater than six miles per hour are inconveniencing and disturbing squirrels who are at the height of their mating season.

"Imagine you're a squirrel couple, and you're about to um...you know...do your business and build your family, and along comes Sally or Scotty Jogger running really fast right past your tree. It's distracting for the squirrels, and plummets their birth rates. Oneonta needs more squirrels. So, we're imposing a six mile an hour speed limit on joggers. Imagine if they all leave because they can't mate here" said Padavona.

Similar to DIRT, or the Deer Incident Reporting Tool we reported on last month, a similar app is in development. Called SHIRT, the Squirrel Humps Incident Reporting Tool will help the city track instances of squirrels getting their freak on, and the impacts of joggers following the new speed limitations.

Mayor Richard Grimes is enthused about the initiative. "The squirrel population will no longer be dissected by those looking to improve their overall health. In this version of Oneonta, the squirrels are the ones who live and get to be the ones united with their families in the end" he said.

Conversely, in the Town of Oneonta, no such speed limit for joggers has been imposed, and people can run as fast as they please through Fortin Park.

*Author's note: This is a work of satire, please check your calendar and have a laugh.